December 2009
22 posts
Gold Sneakers
Boss: and then i’m going to need you to… [glances at sneakers] keep tabs on… [staring at sneakers]… where we’re at with bringing in someone to…[staring at sneakers]
Me: Is there a problem or are you just jealous?
Boss: Both, I think…
JUSTDOIT
Boss: This is the time of year where I spend too much time worrying about money.
Me: Well, okay…
Boss: I lost $2,000 through my FSA this year - are you filling it out?
Me: No, I don’t use it.
Boss: Why wouldn’t you want the government to pay for 1/3 of your medical bills?
Me: I guess I’d like that. How do I know how much to put in?
Boss: You’ll have to examine...
Buddy Time
me: is coming to work optional this week?
boss: not for you, no.
me: this is bullshit.
boss: BUT YOU GET TO HANG OUT WITH ME!
Oh Snaps!
boss: you showed up for work today!! how nice!
me: ugh… you don’t get funnier.
boss: no? never?
me: maybe looking! OOHHHHHHHH
Sneaky
me: [zoned out, surfing the interwebs]
boss’ boss: yeah, so this was fun at first, waiting to see how long it took you to notice me standing here, but you haven’t even flinched. so, hey.
Awkwaaaard.
boss: [on speakerphone] hey, i have pete in my office, you're on speakerphone. just letting you know i'm back. it was for my wife, actually, we're having another baby.
me: wow! congratulations!
boss: yeah, and, really, if you ever need a doctor ours is fantastic, i can give you her information.
me: [silence]
boss: you know... a *lady* doctor.
me: yeah...
Merry, Merry Christmas
Boss: I love when there are presents on my desk! *Reads card* It astonishes me how well your voice comes through in this card.
Me: Astonishes? Why?
Boss: Who knows. What is this?
Me: You really have to have a good sense of humor for this gift…
Boss: & if not?
Me: We’re going to have a really awkward 2010.
Boss: *opens gift, sees alligator head* uhh…
Me: It reminded...
Pear?
boss: Want a pear?
me: I don’t like them. Listen, Do I need to come in on xmas eve? I have plans involving things like a televised yule log & my pajamas.
boss: Who doesn’t like pears?
Hola Hovito
me: i’m getting tickets to jay-z next week!
boss: is that good?
me: [blank stare] HOV! H to the OV. CEO of the R O C?
boss: [blank stare]
Sticks & Stones
me: you have to LEAVE.
boss: please leave my office, you’re delaying me.
me: how??
boss: well, you’re annoying.
No Dice
me: i had a dream last night that you actually liked me.
boss: you’re out to lunch, sister.
Ayye!
boss: [Russian accent] Maybe you could-eh do sometings for me.
me: That was the worst Russian accent ever.
boss: I was going for Italian.
Geezer
Boss: I’m playing rugby on Saturday. I’m too old for this shit.
Me: You said it. Not me.
It's Reflective of the Economic State of Things
boss: is this place nice?
me: it’s nice enough.
boss: i see plastic chairs.
me: if it sucks have a laugh at my expense.
boss: that’s getting old.
The Answer is Obvious
boss: i contemplated whether or not i was going to give you a hard time about this breakfast.
me: why would you question that?
boss: not sure…
boss: [shuffles through box of books on desk, picks up ‘hater’] LOOK!!
me: yup… it’s your biography.
boss: awesome.
me: you’re so negative.
boss: i am not. i’m a realist.
me: no, you’re hater.
boss: look ‘frankfurt 09’ in a folder w a coffee ring. draw something in it.
me: a portrait?
boss:sure!
me: [draws frowny face] look, it’s you!
boss: i’m bored at the airport.
me: buy me something off of rapbay.com
boss: yeah okay… i’m done talking to you.
me: i want to hear you say it.
boss: what? i’m always right!
me: WHO??
boss: sigh… fine, you’re always right & i should have left early
boss: *bad italian accent* he’s a doofus.
me: what is with the accents?
boss: *bad italian accent* listen gala! back off!
me: okay, tony….
NBFF
Boss: Why don't you ever buy me lunch?
Me: For starters, I don't really like you & secondly, you don't pay me enough for friendship benefits.