July 2010
9 posts
So there.
Boss: You’ve got, like, something in your teeth. It’s pretty gross.
Me: You’ve got, like, something all over your face. It’s pretty stupid
Bigger than the Internet
Boss: Don’t punish me for being pedantic or I won’t explain these things and sometimes you won’t know what they mean.
Me: Well I’ll just Google it then. It’s not like all the information in the world stops with you.
Boss: I AM BIGGER THAN THE INTERNET.
HOLDUP.
Boss: You know, I’m not good at a great many things but I am good at being a Dad.
Me: That’s cute.
Boss: You’ll understand one day. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
Me: Uh, what?
Boss: What, not there yet?
Me: Boss, I’m only going to be…
Boss: Right, right. You’re 12, I’m ancient, forget it.
Cowl
From: Boss To: Me Sent: Sun 7/18/2010 2:52 PM Subject: To be worn whenever my name is spoken
I mean, clearly.
From: Me To: Boss Subject: I’ll be in by 8:30
My alarm clocks are on strike this morning
From: Boss: To: Me Subject: Re: I’ll be in by 8:30
The security guys and I will miss you until you get in.
From: Me To: Boss Subject: Re: Re: I’ll be in by 8:30
Well, duh.
B.O.
Me: Yeah, I guess I’m not as murderous as I was last week.
Boss: Yeah, you were stinky.
Me: What?
Boss: Stinky.
Me: I SMELLED?? & you didn’t tell me??
Boss: You didn’t smell! You were cranky.
Me: BRO. Those are totally different things.
Let Me Downgrade You
Me: I’m ordering mexican food - do you want anything?
Boss: Do you have a menu up?
Me: Sure do
Boss: How big do you think the tacos are? How many do you think I could eat?
Me: Listen, this is assistant food. The tacos are a DOLLAR. You could probably eat 4-5 of them. This isn’t the Ritz Carlton, this isn’t that bougie rich people food you’re used to.
Boss: Fine, can...
Sent in from Port Chester:
My boss just told me about his altercation with 2 old women & the Port Chester police department…
He had been getting from the local Dunkin Donuts & parked in a handicap spot. When he was walking out to his car an elderly man in a motorized wheelchair was circling around the back of my boss’ car, cursing. He didn’t think much of it and got into his car.
Cue the two older...
Boss Angry, Boss Smash!
From: Boss Sent: Thursday, July 01, 2010 3:59 PM To: Me Subject: May miss plane
Have to wait for QA so I can smack the current speaker. Stand by.
June 2010
7 posts
CEO < HOV
Me: Boss! I got tickets to Jay-Z & Eminem at Yankee Stadium!
Boss: Jay-who?
Me: You’re not that old. You know who he is. Actually, he’s not that much younger than you are.
Boss: Yeah but look at what he’s accomplished & then look at what i’ve done. I feel a little inadequate.
Me: I mean, yeah, you’re not writing raps about production numbers & board...
Notes
Boss: Did you get the check? For the non-work related stuff you did for me?
Me: Sure did, thanks a bunch - though, maybe next time don’t leave it on top of my desk with the words “SPECIAL SERVICES” on the notes line.
Boss: Why?
Me: Uhm…
3 2 1
Boss: OH.
HUMILITY.
From: Boss Sent: Mon 6/21/2010 6:32 PM To: Me Subject: Oops Looked like you were even more cheezed off at me than usual. Sorry for that!
From: Me To: Boss
Was that a hint of humility?! All in good fun but I’m archiving this e-mail. Blackmail.
Not That Loyal
Boss: What is this box?
Me: Bunch of pricing documents that legal sent back.
Boss: Whew! Dodged getting arrested again!
Me: Well that’s a relief, I’d be out of a job…
Boss: No, you’d come & help me in prison.
Me: Help you do what?
Boss: Break rocks, make license plates…
Me: Buddy, you seem to have gotten your signals mixed, I don’t like you that...
Strictly Professional
Boss: Did you and Joe Smith bond last week while I was out?
Me: Nope.
Boss: Why?
Me: I don’t need any more friends.
Boss: Well… maybe people don’t need you!
Me: Awesome, can I go home then?
Summer Friday
Me: Alright, so I’m going to leave at one.
Boss: Uh, why?
Me: Well it’s summer… we close at 1, I figured this year I’d participate in that.
Boss: Sure…
Me: No? You want me to stay? I’ve been in at 730AM this whole week, I figured by Friday you’d be sick of me.
Boss: Oh believe me, I am. Summer Friday’s irritate me but, if you’d like to...
May 2010
8 posts
You need to calm it down.
Me: So I think that aide is going to meet me in Delaware.
Boss: Yeah? Really?
Me: He says so.
Boss: So it’s a DATE? You’re going out on a DATE with that guy?
Me: It’s not a date, he’s bringing his friends & I’m going to be there with some of mine.
Boss: Who initiated it?
Me: He asked what…
Boss: DATE! IT’S A DATE! I CAN’T BELIEVE...
Would you rather...
Me: Some guy I know called me handsome today…
Boss: Was he English?
Me: Yeah… it’s like saying I have nice skin.
Boss: No, actually, it’s a compliment. He was saying you’re a strong woman, attractive but not a meek human being, the way calling you pretty might connote. Come on! When you look in the mirror, don’t you see a strong woman who would rather kick...
Probably not a good idea...
Me: Do you have a fork or a spoon or something? A utensil?
Boss: Why? Are you going to come at me with it?
Me: Uh, no. I’m trying to eat my lunch.
Boss: *opens desk drawer* There you go!
Me: Sweet ass, thanks.
Boss: Probably want to avoid saying that in the work place. I was almost offended.
Ya Know...
Me: Here’s the address for lunch today.
Boss: Ya know, I’m glad you’re not dead.
Me: Thanks!
Welcome Back!
Me: So… Did you miss me?
Boss: Yes. I was paralyzed. Actually, the whole office was. The entire 38th floor just did not get any work done in your absence.
Me: I knew it.
Boss: So this inflated self-image REALLY isn’t an act huh?
Me: Absolutely not. Have you met me? I rule.
OOOOH SNAP!
Me: I’m just not sure figuring out the network connection on your iPad is on top of the priorities list right now.
Boss: Now that I’ve figured it out, I think I’m going to treat myself to something on YouTube.
Me: Good…
Boss: I’m in the mood for something funny.
Me: Then why don’t you pick up a mirror OHHHHHHHH!!
Inner Peace
Me: You’ve got 3 minutes before that call, you know.
Boss: Right, right.
Two minutes later, I look over to see Boss staring off into space
Me: You know, somebody with your laundry list of things to do should really avoid spacing out like that.
Boss: You know… some people do this thing called THINKING and it works best when they’re QUIET, unlike some people, who DO ALL OF...
New Employee
Boss: & this is Jane Doe, my assistant.
New Employee: Hi Jane, nice to meet you.
Me: Hi there.
Boss: That’s about as nice of a greeting you’ll get from her. Jane’s the sort of employee that will either ignore you or scare the shit out of you.
New Employee: Ermm…
Me: Please do yourself a favor & just ignore everything he says.
April 2010
11 posts
Har Har Har
Me: Schumer is quoted saying that social networking sites are the ‘wild, wild west of the internet’
Boss: Sounds like politician talk.
Me: No, sounds like old, rich white dude speak for “technology scares me.”
Boss: I don’t think it’s that…
Me: But on the call yesterday that’s what all the board members sounded like.
Boss: But those people...
Sell Out
Boss: So John Smith ratted YOU out.
Me: How’s that possible?
Boss: He told me you said you like working here and that you had nothing but nice things to say about me.
Me: Right. Okay. Have you met me?
Boss: Every day.
Me: Does any of that sound like something I’d say?
Boss: … no.
Me: Exactly.
Fix it!
Boss: My mp3 player isn’t working - can you take a look at it & see if it’s still under warranty?
Me: Sure - what’s wrong with it?
Boss: The buttons don’t work. It’s also not charged.
Me: Right…
*5 Minutes Later*
Me: All right, grand pa, the hold button was on…
Wiggle
Me: So the head hunter blew your spot up pretty hard. Said YOU were the one complimenting me, not him.
Boss: Yeah? So? What does that mean?
Me: That I rule… and that you liiiiiiiike me.
Teacher v Student
Me: Man, what is your problem today? You pouty? You cranky cause you had to go to the Yale Club for Breakfast?
Boss: We need to get you into some sort of mentoring program. Get you in check.
Me: All I heard was that you want me to start a mentoring program - so that I can teach other people how to be as awesome as I am.
Boss: Good. You got the point.
Inflation, yo.
Boss: You know, the man I had breakfast with today gave you a nice compliment but I was quick to correct him.
Me: Why? Are you worried he’s going to try and steal me from you?
Boss: No, because the last thing we need is your ego to get bigger.
Starts with a "B" ends with an "EST"
Me: Yeah so I got him to do it on Friday.
Boss: REALLY? HOW!
Me: Power of persuasion?
Boss: Seriously?
Me: YES. Now let me hear you say it, “I Am the B— B—” starts with a B!
Boss: Bane of my existence.
Tattle Tale
Me: This system DOES NOT WORK.
Boss: Oh, right cause in the 28 year I’ve been doing this, nothing I’ve done has worked. That’s why I haven’t accomplished anything in the 28 years I’ve been working.
Me: This isn’t a reflection of your entire career. It’s the FOLDER SYSTEM THAT DOESN’T WORK.
Boss: Give me your mother’s phone number.
Me:...
Angelic?
Boss: Your first task of the day is to find a sound byte of the noise movies make when God or something equally mighty arrives.
Me: So, the noise you play in your head when you wake up in the morning?
March 2010
12 posts
How Firm?
Boss: Are we firm on the 3:30 call?
Me: No… Well… he didn’t know when the lawyers would be done so he’s going to check in at 3:30.
Boss: So, that sounds like firm.
Me: I’ll double check with his assistant.
Boss: Okay.
Me: Yeah, just got off the phone with her - firm for 3:30.
Boss: So we were firm before and now we’re…
Me: Extra firm.
Boss:...
Survival
Boss: It’s like you survive on strawberries
Me: I’m trying to
Boss: They’re good for you *opens fridge* and the blueberries in here are good for you too!
Me: Those are blackberries and they taste sort of gross
Boss: Yeah, but they’re good for. Dark fruits, not like dark magic, are good for you.
Me: Right.
They're Just Glasses
Boss: Well, here they are! Here’s your boss in glasses!
Me: Wooo! They look good.
Boss: Yeah? Do they make me look smarter?
Me: Not even a little bit. They’re just glasses, not a miracle.
It's Like We're One in the Same
Me: Joe Smith is on the phone.
Boss: Can’t you just do your best imitation of me and take this call?
Me: Sure! RAH RAH RAH I’M SO SMART, I DON’T HAVE TIME TO TALK, RAH RAH RAH I’M CRANKY.
Boss: Perfect.
Error 404
I told my boss when I clicked the link it didn’t take me where I wanted to go.
Boss: Where do you want to go?
Me: To the bar
Long Story Short
Me: So I had a baby shower and engagement party this Saturday.
Boss: Both open bar?
Me: Yup!
Boss: So you were tanked?
Me: I tried to keep it classy at the baby shower but all hope was lost by the time the engagement party started.
Boss: Any boys?
Me: Some 3rd year law student kept telling me he was smarter than me and buying me drinks.
Boss: Did you get a phone number?
Me: No, by the end...
Mo Money, Mo Problems
Me: So my mom was informed of a glitch in my taxes and now I’m getting 1600 back from the gov’t.
Boss: Your mom does your taxes?
Me: Who else would?
Boss: You.
Me: I’m not there yet.
Boss: You’re not a grown up?
Me: Have you met me?
Boss: So now what are you going to do?
Me: Well, now I can start to think about moving out of my parent’s house.
Boss: Good – so now the only thing you...
Killed the Cat
*Loud slam comes from Boss’s office*
Me: What the hell are you doing?
Boss: I wanted to see how loud I had to be in order for you to look over here.
Me: What do you want, then?
Boss: Nothing - just curious.
Keep it to Yourself
Boss: have you seen the new art installations all over the city? I love them!
Me: So you’re into big bronzed naked dudes, that’s cool, I guess.
Confucius Say...
Me: 2009 was the year of favors
Boss: Yeah well, 2010 is the year of FUCK OFF!
United Healthcare
Me: Would you like a piece of gum?
Boss: No, thank you, I’ve got a piece of Xanax to chew on.
Not a Sexual Innuendo
Boss: Can you return these gloves for me? I ordered an XL but they sent me a small.
Me: You have extra large hands?
Boss: *winks* Yup.
February 2010
23 posts
Ring, Ring
*Phone Rings - ID indicates Boss is calling from 10 ft away*
Me: Really?
Boss: Just pick up.
Me: Yes?
Boss: Can you see if you can bump my Dr appointment? I just want to work today.
Me: Okay.
Boss: If I call you, I don’t have to yell.
Me: But you’re not yelling now, and I can hear you just fine.
Boss: Yeah but, if I look directly at you, I HAVE to yell at you.
Me:...
Not a babysitter
Boss: If you put another meeting on this week, I’m going to hurt you.
Me: What was that?
Boss: No more meetings!
Me: Oh, I’m sorry - I just added an 8AM.
Boss: With??
Me: Joe Smith
Boss: NOOOOO NOT HIM! YOU’RE MEAN! *stomps feet*
Me: You’re kidding me with that shit, right?
Oops!
Boss: My chair squeaks a lot.
Me: Maybe if you lost 40 pounds or something?
Boss: Your performance review is at 1pm.